Let's hear your best car jokes!

A guy walks into a parts store and says “I’d like a gas cap for my Prius.” and the store owner said “Sounds like a fair trade.”

Jake Orr

24 Feb 2016

A guy walks into a parts store and says “I’d like a gas cap for my Prius.” and the store owner said “Sounds like a fair trade.”

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A Texas rancher was visiting a farmer in Israel. The proud Israeli showed him around. “Here is where I grow tomatoes, cucumbers, and squash. Over there I built a play set for my kids, next to the doghouse,” the farmer said.
The land was tiny, and the Texan was surprised by its small size. “Is this all your land?” he asked.
“Yes,” the Israeli said proudly. “This is all mine!”
“You mean this is it? This is all of it?” the Texan said incredulously.
“Yes, yes, this is really all mine!”
“Well, son,” said the Texan, “back home I’d get in my car before the sun’d come up and I’d drive and drive and drive, and when the sun set, why, I’d only be halfway across my land!”
“Oh, yes,” replied the Israeli farmer wistfully, “I used to have a car like that.”
~(Source:Jalopnik)

The Pope goes to New York, and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, “You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?”
The driver is understandably hesitant and says, “I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’m supposed to do that.”
But the Pope persists, “Please?”
The driver finally lets up, “Oh, alright, I can’t really say no to the Pope.”
So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to wind the window down. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.
Cop: Chief, I have a problem.
Chief: What sort of problem?
Cop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit, but it’s someone really important.
Chief: Important like the mayor?
Cop: No, no, much more important than that.
Chief: Important like the governor?
Cop: Way more important than that.
Chief: Like the president?
Cop: Much more important.
Chief: “Who’s more important than the president?”
Cop: “I don’t know but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!”
~(Source:Jalopnik)

A fellow bought a new Ferrari and was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. “There ain’t no way they can catch a Ferrari,” he thought to himself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90, 100….. “What in hell am I doing?” he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. “I’ve had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don’t feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go!”
“Last week my wife ran off with a cop,” the man said, “and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”
“Off you go,” said the officer.

A dumb guy driving a Porsche sees another dumb guy with a Porsche broken down on the side of the road. He stops to see if he can help.

The guy with the broken Porsche tells him, “I just had a look under the hood, and there’s nothing there. Somebody must have stolen the engine while I was driving!”

To which the other guy replies , “Oh, no problem, I have a spare in the back of my mine.”

You’re full of them!

Fred was walking down the street, when his best friend Joe pulled up in a brand new BMW.
“Where the hell did you get BMW?”, Fred asked in disbelief.

“Well,” Joe replied, “Last night I was at a bar and started dancing with this girl. When the bar closed, she motions for me to follow her. We jump in her BMW, and drive off into the mountains. She stops, jumps out of the car, takes off all her clothes, and tells me, ‘You can have anything you want.’ So I took the car.”

“That was pretty smart”, said Fred, “Seeing as how her clothes probably wouldn’t have fitted you anyway.”

The CEO of Mercedes Benz, Audi and BMW are taking a piss.

The CEO of Mercedes Benz afterwards goes to the sink and washes his hands very quickly.
He then says: “at Mercedes Benz, we do every task very efficiently.”

Then the CEO of Audi goes to the sink and washes his hands for ever.
He then says: “at Audi, we do every task very thoroughly.”

The CEO of BMW walks straight to the door, without washing his hands and says:
“At BMW, we learn not to piss on our hands!”