12 Confessions Of A Petrolhead Parent

Being a petrolhead parent can be fun, but it also comes with plenty of nerve grating moments. If you are already a parent, you’ll know what I mean. If you’re planning on starting a family in the future, use this as my warning. If you never want children, some of these confessions may confirm your decision.

1. The hospital drive was the best and worst drive of my life

When the moment comes to make the mad sprint to the hospital, you have the best excuse to speed. Blazing through traffic somewhat legally is a once in a lifetime opportunity. The father will enjoy it while the mother will only wish he could drive faster. The journey home from the hospital, however, is hell. Suddenly, mild-mannered drivers appear to you as villains. Their moves dictate the safety of your child, and you drive like a paranoid elderly person: well below the speed limit and far from the other cars.

2. If I had another baby, I already know what cool stuff I'd buy

Did you know that they make Sparco car seats for kids? It doesn’t matter if the baby knows how cool they look. It’s all about the parents. While the child is still too little to choose their own clothes and accessories, it’s playtime for the adults. We get to dress them up as our favourite little driver for as long as they let us.

3. My kid is my excuse for playing with car toys

Maybe you never stopped playing with car toys, but in any case, this is a perfectly good excuse to do it. When the relatives ask what to buy the new baby for holidays, the answer should always be “car toys.”

4. I was late to pick up my child because, well, racecar

Less than a week into my daughter’s first year of school, I got new tyres and took the car out for some quality hooning while she was gone. I lost track of time and got a phone call from the school saying I was 45 minutes late. I’m not proud of that one.

You don’t have to be a parent to love doing engine noises with your mouth, but people don’t look at you like you’re crazy when there’s a child involved. Believe me, children love hearing anything coming from your mouth that is not an actual word. This is one way to start their love for cars at a young age.

6. I have to share my income

This is one of the hardest parts of parenting. Go ahead and call me selfish, but every time I get a dentist bill or an order form for school portraits, I think about what car parts I COULD have purchased with that money.

7. I accidentally let my kid drink motor oil

My daughter has always loved being a part of the routine car maintenance. When she was only three years old, I filled a bottle cap with fresh oil so that she could help me coat the new oil filter gasket before I installed it. She coated the gasket then licked her finger (I told her that was gross). Apparently she liked the taste because a few seconds later she drank the rest from the cap.

8. I have to pretend to let my child help

This one always makes me cringe: When I go to wash my car, my daughter always asks if she can help. I smile and give an unconvincing, “Sure, sweetie,” through my teeth. She loves to help, but I really just want to do it the right way: alone. So, with the softest sponge and the mildest soap, I let her spread suds until she’s content. In the background, I follow closely with clean water, then start from scratch when she quits.

A few weeks ago, I was waiting at a traffic light when it turned green and nobody moved. Within the first couple of seconds, my daughter screamed, “Move it, jerk! The light is green!” Half of me was mad for letting her pick up on my phrases, and the other half was just relieved that “jerk” was the word she chose. Be careful because while children may look oblivious to you in the back seat, they are really soaking in every word.

10. My child will say things that make me proud...

Last week, my daughter pointed out the window and said, “Ooo…nice car butt!” I smiled and wiped a tear away. It’s the little awwww moments that tug at your heart.

11. ...then follow up by ruining the moment

She once pointed to a blue Miata when we were going into a store. She said, “That’s just like your car.” Wrong. She wasn’t even close. I drive an RX-8. She got the right colour and the right brand, but it still upset me. I wanted to say, “you’re grounded,” but she’s only five years old, so time-out will suffice.

12. I'd rather let my child go hungry than allow food in the car

First of all, I would never actually starve my child. I just don’t want to be one of those parents with crushed cheesy puffs between the seats and juice stains on my carpet. You’re either the bad parent that doesn’t let their child eat in the car or the bad car lover that ruins their interior. I’ve started epic toddler meltdowns with my daughter by refusing to let her bring her cookies in the car. No. Food. Ever.

All joking aside, having a kid to shape into your own little petrolhead is pretty rewarding. You get to share the good times and have the confidence that you’ve at least produced one driver who won’t be a complete moron. I’d love to see what other petrolhead parents go through with their children.