14 Reasons Why Apple Should Never Make A Car

After a vehicle, apparently registered to Apple, was spotted cruising the streets with lots of intriguing gadgets on its roof, the rumour mill has gone into hyperdrive. Is it a self-driving car to challenge Google? Is it an electric car to challenge Tesla? Truth is, nobody really knows.

But it got us thinking: What would an Apple car be like?

It’ll cost twice as much as its competitors for no discernable reason

The Tesla will be better in most comparable fields, but the Apple car will cost more. Apple fanboys will try to justify it, Tesla fanboys will mock it.

It’ll suck you in with fancy new technology, which is actually old tech with a different name

“Never before has a car been so dynamic under braking. While in a decelerative situation, our incredible Magic Brake™ technology limits tyre lockage allowing unprecedented levels of control when you need it most. It’ll make you wonder why brakes haven’t just worked like this before.”

Except they have. It’s called ABS.

The dealer will make you sign a 1349-page document before you can drive the car

Not a single person will actually read through it before signing.

You have to delete your preset radio stations and sat nav history just to make space for an update

The update finally begins, so you sit in your driveway for two hours until it’s complete and you can actually leave your house.

“I know your water broke, honey, but we need to wait for the update to download before we can go to the hospital.”

If you hold the steering wheel wrong, the radio won’t get a signal

And when you finally figure out how to make that work, U2 is always playing. If you try to change the station, Bono will start apologising for his ego.

A future model will use iPads for steering wheels; accelerometers tell the car which direction to turn.

If Apple makes a car, will it have Windows?

Very funny, Bill. Of course it will. The glass is scratch-proof, but it’ll crack every time you go over a speed bump. Everyone who owns an Apple car will have smashed glass.

Battery life is great… just so long as you never actually use the car

If you have the audacity to actually drive anywhere, the battery will drain like there’s a hole in the bottom.

When you need to recharge, you can only use Apple’s MagSafe chargers. Forgotten yours? You’ll have to flag down random strangers in the street, begging for an Apple cable.

Your car will continually overheat, because it’s made from a single sheet of aluminium without ventilation

But hey, at least it looks pretty. (Though be careful about parking it in a tight space; it might bend.)

You won’t be able to upgrade components

The internals will be sealed, and only accessible with Apple-specific tools.

If your car goes wrong you'll have to go to a Genius bar to fix it

Want to work on your car at home? Tough luck, you’ll have to visit a dodgy ‘jailbreaker’.

The interior will be super-minimalist

Behind the wheel will be the most beautiful instrument binnacle ever produced, thanks to its 13-inch retina display.

Apple will try to make you use its own Maps service for navigation, but every owner will immediately download Google Maps. Before they’ve even left the dealership.

With your car connected to iCloud, it can be accessed by all the hackers

But when it’s not letting a sweaty teenager in a basement unlock your car, iCloud can be quite useful. The ‘Find My iCar’ service lets cops know exactly where your nicked motor is.

You can unlock your car with a fingerprint

Though if you want to give friends a ride you have to choose up to four people in iTunes who can have access to your car.

There are three iCar models available

iCar Air is a lightweight sports car. iCar Nano is a supermini based on the Tata vehicle of the same name. iCar Pro is a race car, strictly for use by professional racing drivers only.

A few months after you’ve bought your new ride a new model will come along that’s marginally better. It’ll get an ‘S’ suffix, and you’ll have to get one, otherwise your friends will think you’re a loser.