Paris Mo' Sho' Ugly Duckling: Renaultsport Clio

Bad news lads. The last bastion of proper balls out hot hatch fun – the Renaultsport Clio – has been turned. As we discovered at the Paris Motor Orgy, the new Renaultsport Clio not only looks like a constipated Vanessa Feltz but is lumbered with a flappy paddle sh*tbox for no apparent reason.

Renault’s even got the cheek to name the new ‘box the 'efficient dual clutch' gearbox, which highlights everything that’s wrong with it. Why the hell have they ditched the exciting manual ‘box for efficiency? This gold tinted hippo is also now kitted with a turbocharged 1.6-litre engine under that bloated piggy nose.

Now, new technology is great and properly sorted turbos are perfect for both hooning and cruising. But please car makers, stop watering down the hot hatch recipe with humongous XL bodies, expensive and unnecessary standard-fit dual clutch autos and reams of other pointless crap like LED daytime running lights, launch control plus in the Renaultsport’s case, speakers that can simulate the sound of other engines. I mean anyone who gets a hard on for the engine sounds playing through the speakers simply isn’t mature enough to be driving. And I don’t care how good the oily bits are, the car would be better without the token Max Power crap.

It’s not as if Renault has even gone for style over substance – the Clio’s Feltz-esque front is bad enough but the arse really is butt ugly, looking like a British bulldog that’s been smacked in the face with a spade. The previous two Clios were never the sexiest models on the road but they never made you go blind like this new one will.

Even the garish gold colour the Frenchies have chosen for the show car is vile and those shapeless black excuses for alloys disappear into the arches like a fatty’s belly button disappears into their folds of flubber. Whatever focus group Renault quizzed before penning this new Clio clearly needs to be set on fire for crimes against design.

The recipe for a decent hot hatch is pretty bloody simple. What you need is a small, lightweight car with three doors and chic lines, a manual gearbox, reasonable boot, fruity exhaust note and gymnastic handling. Anything more is too much. Anything less isn’t a hot hatch.

With that in mind, the Clio looks set to fall flat on its hippopotoface. It looks mahoosive, Renault isn’t even bothering to make a three door version (or a manual gearbox) and obviously the exhaust note must be pretty under-endowed if Renault has to pump fake exhaust sound through the speakers. Therefore, the fact Renault has the balls to claim this car is more focused than before is a joke, especially as they have binned all the best bits from previous versions.

I sincerely hope the new Renaulsport Clio is a driving demon. But I just can’t see it...I suspect the Clio legend may have died like the, as yet, unresurrected Peugeot 205 GTi genius. In fact I think we all need to put our hands together and say a few words:

Dear Renault, which art in Boulogne Hallowed be thy 182 New Renaultsport come A turbo one In Britain as it is in Paris Give us this day our daily revs And forgive us our handbrake turns As we forgive you for making Clio fugly And lead us not into understeer But help us rinse that Cooper S For thine is the handling, the power and the torque. Please no dual clutch gearbox Amen