A Rant On Motorway Morons

That's it. I've had it up to here (uses hand to point to top of head) with crappy, abysmal, distracted and above all dangerous motorway drivers.

Before I go off on one, it must be noted that I don't suffer from road rage. I don't want you all to judge me for being a bit lairy on the roads or being "that guy" who flips people off from the safety of his privacy glass. That's not me, and to be honest I'm generally very tolerant of drivers who make bad decisions - everyone's had a bad day behind the wheel and I certainly have made a few shocking calls in the past.

But I do have issues with people who just can't drive on motorways. From the mouth of good 'ole Jezza Clarkson, he makes it a point to never brake on the motorway. OK well it's probably a bit of an exaggeration - more often than not there are times when you'll need to apply the left pedal to ease off. But in general, there's nothing worse than someone who speeds up then slows down then repeats. These are the people that cause tailbacks and it's a case of the butterfly effect - one person's stupidity can lead to congestion and delays for thousands of other motorways.

It's not just chronic brakers though, there are a few categories of motorway drivers who irk me beyond belief and to be honest, could be causing some serious accidents. Let's get into it:

The Middle-Lane-Hogging Lorry Overtaker

It's a well-known fact that most lorries are limited to 60mph. HGV's in Europe tend to have limiters placed at 90km/h and here in the UK that translates roughly to under 60mph. However some lorries, unbeknownst to the majority, can outpace the rest by a whopping...wait for it...2 miles an hour!

What this means is that a slower, restricted lorry will tend to stick to the very left hand side lane (I'm talking UK motorways here folks - if you're from the US or worse, swap my signals around to understand better) and the marginally faster lorry will attempt a daring overtaking move on the right hand side.

Ordinarily this would be OK, but many of the "faster" lorry drivers veer into the middle lane without due warning and indication. OK another thing I can live with. However, when said "faster" lorry does said manoeuver on an uphill stretch of motorway is when it gets bad. In the name of the Lord, have you never studied physics? You middle-lane-hogging idiot have now caused normal cars to pile up behind you (as they're able to travel at the regular speed limit of 70mph) and you're now unable to effectively pass the lorry to your left. Which means you're now travelling at the same speed whilst the rest of the traffic is limited to the outside right lane.

My blood begins to boil over when Mr. Overtaking Lorry refuses to pull back into the slow lane once the manoeuver is complete. This just takes the piss.

The Fat Cat In the Fast Lane

Jaaaaag. The current crop of Jag's is quite spicy...in a good way. The XF, XJ and sporty XK models, each with their various levels of trim, have taken the nation by storm and have completed a remarkable turnaround for the now-branded JLR.

However the worst possible sight seen on a British motorway is that of an S-type, or even worse an X-type cruising at sub-70mph in the fast lane. The fact that they refuse to move over given the tail of cars behind them eager to move past without doing an illegal undertaking move is simple baffling. I'm being a bit too harsh on Jaguar owners. Really what I mean is if you're in the fastest, overtaking lane and there are people going faster than you behind, just let them get on with it and when it's safe to do so, shift over to the left to let them pass.

If they get caught by the cops, that's their own tough shit. Just don't continue to doodle and force people to try stunts seen only on Fast & Furious. Unless you want something bad to happen to your Jaaaag.

Rudeboy Undertaking Expert

And it gets better if you come across a heavily-tinted, lowered, alloyed-up "young boys' ride". These idiots view traffic on motorways like a game on the Nintendo DS (or Game Boy Colour if you're from that era). Dodge here, dart there, overtake here, undertake there. It's a recipe for a pile-up of epic proportions.

These chronic undercutters have no regard for personal safety and ignore every law in the book. Fair enough if there's someone hogging lanes, but the solution is to (unfortunately) either wait it out, back off, or slip back into the slower lanes and avoid all temptation. Don't try and be a hero though by playing games on a motorway. It will eventually end in disaster.

So having listened to that short rant, here are a few snippets of sarky advice that I like to dole out. Feel free not to listen to me, or add your own in the comments section:

1. Use your indicator. Please.2. If you succeed in Part 1, indicate in advance of making the manoeuver.3. Whenever you can, move out of the overtaking lanes and don't wait for someone to get up your ass.4. If you want to stick to the speed limit, fair enough, but there are others who might not want to. Let them through and let them deal with the consequences.5. Don't talk, text or tweet (I saw an E46 M3 driver today with his phone glued to his ear on a 10 mile stretch. Not cool).6. Remember lane discipline! No drifting.

I rest my case, and my tongue.