Venting My Spleen

Here's a rant for your delectation. What has brought on the disease of fake vents and scoops on any vaguely sporty, warmed over car?

It's a contagious epidemic, spreading from superminis to the family hatch and sports saloon. And I'm not talking about those sticky-back accessories you can pick up from petrol stations or Well Known Automotive Supplies Stores, and slap onto the side of your P-reg Max Power refugee. I'm on about the brand new, halo sports cars that manufacturers insist on garnishing with cosmetic vents to look powerful.

One of the main culprits here is the mkII Ford Focus RS, featuring delights such as thoroughly superficial side gills and filled in grilles around the headlights for the full bags under the eyes effect. Why? This was never a car you were likely to miss. Ford blessed their WRC lookalike with massively blistered arches, a rear wing you could shelter from a thunderstorm under, and a rear diffuser one journalist likened to 'a Second World War beach landing craft.'

Unfortunately, because in days gone by, hotter models were distinguished by the holes in their bodywork to keep pumped up motors cool, vents means speed, even if they're not necessary.

It's not enough to spoil the RS, which for my money is still a (monu)mentally successful styling exercise. However, others are displaying similar symptoms.

The new BMW M5 gets the usual M styling cues of an aggressive front valance and quad tailpipes, but is also inflicted with a chromed outlet on the wing that's more Hot Diamond than venting hot air.

At the other end of the BMW family, the Mini Cooper S John Cooper Works not only has to cart around a hefty amount of banging, but intakes in the side skirts (directed to where, exactly..?) a fake bonnet scoop, chromed side repeaters, and plastic clip ons for the rear bumper, which caused Evo's Chris Harris such offence that he referred to them as 'genital warts' in a Driver's Republic hot hatch shootout.

Now I'm all for a racy looking car, and I love hot hatchbacks, but I've been long told to steer clear of anything with STI's on its derrière. By which I don't mean Subarus. You know what I'm getting at.

Here's my sincere appeal. Sporty cars look good, fact. And there are certain ingredients you can't go wrong with: a couple of nice exhaust pipes, a squared off chin, cheeky kicked-up tail spoiler, and flared arches. That's from The Sporty Car Bible, Chapter One, Verse One.

With that it mind, can everyone step away from the fake vent and fraud scoop. Make them functional, keep it real, and avoid the Styling By Afterthought. If individuals really want them, they can waste their pocket money down at their local Well Known Automotive Supplies Store themselves.

At this point, it's customary to inform you, the reader, that's it's safe to draw breath by saying 'rant over'. Do feel free to get stuck into the comments section though if you're looking to weigh in.