Why Nurburgring times are nonsense

So, want to predict the Ring lap time of a car? Here’s the most accurate predictor in the world!

All you need are five inputs:

• Power of the car in hp
• Weight of the car in kg
• If the car is all-wheel-drive
• If the test is manufacturer-backed
• If the car is excessively worshipped

So here’s what you do:

1. Square-root the weight
2. Ad 300 to the power
3. Cube-root the answer to #2
4. Divide #1 by #3
5. Square-root that
6. Multiply by 230
7. Subtract 20 if the car is AWD
8. Subtract 10 if the test is manufacturer backed
9. Subtract 15 if the car is excessively worshipped or fanboyed
10. And that’s your time in seconds!
11. If the car loses to a close rival, round the time up to the nearest 10 seconds and claim it was under that, but refuse to give the exact time.

Examples:
Nissan GT-R Nismo (600hp, 1750kg, AWD, backed, worshipped): 7:10, real time 7:08
Porsche 918 Spyder (887hp, 1600kg, AWD, backed): 6:57, real time 6:57
Lamborghini Aventador SV (740hp, 1700kg, AWD, backed, worshipped): 6:59, real time 6:59
VW GTi Clubsport S (306hp, 1350kg, not AWD, backed): 7:49, real time 7:47

Yep, it’s accurate. But only for these cars. Stick in the McLaren P1 and you get 7:13. The AMG GTR gives 7:40. The Caparo T1 gives 5:36. The Peel P-50 gives 3:53 (all these assume manufacturer backing). As you can see, this formula only works in certain situations.

And the same goes for actual lap times. Who knows what “specific Nurburgring setup” means? It likely means throwing out the passenger seat and other unnecessary weight, equipping improved tyres and throwing enough money at it to get a clear track and the best racing driver possible. Just because a pro can get a certain time doesn’t mean you can. I’m sure a pro can get under 6:30 in a Caparo T1 if they practiced enough, but stick your average Civic racer in there and it’ll take them 2 years (including hospital treatment).

And most importantly, a lap time is no judge for how FUN a car is. A Morgan 3-wheeler will be way slower than a Nismo GT-R around a track. But if I were offered to borrow one of these cars for a day to drive on public roads, it would have to be the 3-wheeler. The fastest lap times tend to be gotten either by cars which are impossible for ordinary people to drive (Radicals, Zonda R) or are computers on wheels (GT-R). Neither are fun to drive on public roads, whereas your Miata is.