Volvo C30 Polestar Review: Da Blue Bomb

Under the hood

Open the door. Gasp for breath. Make a mess in your undies. That's standard morning procedure if you're the lucky owner of Göteborg's range-topping C30 T5 Polestar. Because this Swedish babe hasn't just slapped on some lip gloss to try and hide its dated C30 heritage - nope - it's had the full Jodie Marsh "under the skin" botox treatment.

So whaddyaget for a car that hits your manhood at £24,470? For starters you'll find a 2.5-litre engine capable of causing grievous bodily harm thanks to 250 horses and a gaseous 6.2 second sprint to 60 along with enough bark to save the Taromenane Amazonian tribe.

And if you fancy receiving flirtatious looks from the opposite sex and threats of physical violence from the same sex, then it's advisable to skip your brother's Christmas present this year and spend £275 for Rebel Blue paint. As you'll see from our pictures, it looks absolutely banging.

Behind the wheel

Put a Nike-shod foot inside the cabin (please no Adidas) and you'll come to the unfortunate realisation that the interior is nigh-on the same as one you'd find in a base D2 C30 Lux (in non-techy speak, that's the base diesel luxury option). Open your wallet again and you can start to do some damage with options. £800 premium sound upgrade allows you "Clique" on full whack and a full grand gives you Volvo's winter pack and active bending Xenons.

But the biggest option you'll want to tick is the Polestar upgrade. For £660, the Swedish tuning house will take your 227 horsepower weener and tack on an extra 20 stallions along with an increase in torque. Be generous with the gas pedal, and it will be generous with you.

Acceleration is swift and only dramatic if you have a lead-foot and love time-wasting wheelspin. The soundtrack from the 5-pot is weak, even if compared to the video game synthetic BMW M135i, but the slickness of six way manual gearbox will keep your left-hand permanently working through the cogs to extract maximum banter.

It's not a light thing the C30, but front-wheel drive helps to pull out of corners with Gary-like speed. And like all decent performance cars, your talent will run out far quicker than Mr Polestar. Steering weight is always a strange one, but the Swedish engineers have managed to produce a car that feels great in your hands and allows road surface changes to be felt. Cliché? Yes. Bull? Certainly not.

Splash the cash

I have to be honest here. I was expecting a metric turd-load of adoring glances from London's pavements and Filofaxes full with female phone numbers drifting through my windows. The truth is I received not a single stare.

What does this mean? That my ugly mug worked to counteract the car's shocking aura? You mad, bro? I think it has more to do with the C30 shell showing it's age and giving us its final wave of goodbye. It's no secret that both this hatch and the S40 entry saloon are being replaced by the V40.

However like an Avatar swooping through Pandora, like Eiffel 65's one-hit wonder and like a Smurf on steroids, there's only phrase to describe the C30 Polestar. Get down on your knees, and pay homage to...

Da blue bomb.

Photography by Olgun Kordal