A Few Things I Love And Hate About Driving The Greatest American Car

I hate your jokes

Oh, here comes that lock and loaded joke that you love to tell. “Hurr Hurr, you can fit bodies in that trunk.” Oh Lord, do you love that joke. Then you go and mis-quote Goodfellas. I hate that you’re right. The trunk of the Lincoln Town Car is the perfect size for multiple bodies. Dan here is 5 foot 10-inches and fits easily.

Also, The Lincoln Town Car hides heavy trunk loads. This car is over 20 years old, but it still has a sophisticated self-levelling factory air ride suspension. We put Dan in the trunk. The car sank down from the new weight. Then, we started the car and heard a sound that went “Barrrrrarrrarararrar.” It was the sound of an air compressor pump. The rear suspension pumped up and returned the car to a natural right height to compensate for the rear-end sag. I love that. You can load up the trunk with chopped up body parts wrapped in black plastic sheeting.

No one could tell.

I love how the Lincoln Town Car warps time

Running late? Drive a Town Car. Suddenly you have time. You are never in a hurry when you are driving a Town Car. Suddenly, you have plenty of time to get to the costume store for spirit gum and fake moustaches because Gretchen only gets excited for Magnum P.I. role-play.

You’re calm. You’re at ease. Plenty of time! We’ll get there, no worries. Everything is Crosby Stills and Nash when you’re driving a Town Car because its air ride and thick tyres turn every road into Memory Foam, and Citroën thinks it’s all that.

You better drive a Town Car carefully because there is no way this thing will corner. The body leans and groans like William Howard Taft tying his shoelaces. Oh right, you’re mostly a European Audience…Taft was the fattest US president. He was also the first US president to have an official presidential car kept at the White House. It was a 1909 White Motor Company Model M Steam Car.

I hate Panther Body fans for being car hoarders

All the good ones are taken. It’s just like OKCupid. These cars are so cheap in the USA that they are used up and left to rot. The fans of Panther Bodies hide clean, undamaged, and low-mileage cars away in lumps of five or more. Fans of Panther Bodies never stop at owning one car because these machines are cheaper than they look. My grandma’s Lincoln here looks good, yea? Nope, this is a mid-to-low quality Panther Body. It has some dings and 74,000 miles. It is worth about $4000 USD (£2650).

The fans of these cars don’t call them Town Cars. The cool-guy term is Panther Body. These fans know every inch and will correct you (and each other) about these cookie-cutter luxury cars. My American brethren know what I’m talking about. Panther is the name for the Ford chassis on which the Town Car is built. The Panther Body also mothers the Ford Crown Victoria (NYC Cab), P71 Police Interceptor (Police Car), Mercury Grand Marquis (Pensions and Hollandaise Sauce), and Mercury Marauder (Glock Talk).

I love waving my chode

Out in front of me perches an anachronistic hood ornament. Shiny. Useful. No, it’s useful for real. A Town Car’s hood is so long, it is hard to judge where it ends. When you pull up with a Town Car, you make a big entrance. It’s so long, it arrives before it arrives. “Here I come! I’m still coming. Look at me! I’m here now. I’m IN your life.” How many friends emerge from this car? All of them and some of yours. They’re happy and comfortable because of the over-stuffed seats. They’re all girls, too.

I hate how people defend the Ford modular V8 engine

For a car that I love so much, I hate its engine. The Ford Modular V8 (yes, that’s what it is called) is a lumpy and gross carrier-politician of a powerplant. It is 4.6 litres and it only makes 210hp. With the exception of OBD I, this is a modern engine even by today’s standards. What’s the excuse?

I know how Panther fans are about to defend it. I even defended the Modular V8 in an early RCR video. It’s a tunable engine and can safely crank out 400hp, but Ford tuned it for long-life and low output. Compression is a remedial 9.30:1.

I can hear Panther fan protests. They sound like Summer School. Yes, I know this engine can run smoothly on the filthiest gas you can find. I know it will last 400,000 miles (643,737 km).

Here’s my reasoning for hating it. The posh interior is writing a check that the commenter engine will bounce. Can’t I just have the power to make the 15mph feel worth it? You gave me so much, Lincoln… can’t you give me just a little more?

Other than that, you’re still the greatest American car. Rock on.