Why The Mini Coupe Is The World's Ugliest Car

We've already heard the arguments for some worthy recipients of this dubious honour. Ollie got the ball rolling with the flamboyant Mitsuoka Orochi, while Tom plumped for the misguided Nissan Murano CrossCabriolet. Most recently, our resident tree-hugger Antony derided the G-Wiz's loathsome attempt to bring electric motoring to the masses.

So where do we go from here? Possibly the Micra C+C, but Tom's already given Nissan enough grief. Then there's the original Ford Ka, which I honestly believe to be the blandest car ever produced. It has such a nondescript design I can sum it up with one word: "Meh." In the end, though, I keep coming back to one car and one quote. Every time I see one of these posermobiles this damn design language crap rankles me. But I'll get to that in a minute. First up, the car.

If you hadn't already guessed, I'm throwing the Mini Coupe into the mix. I've never been a huge fan of the Mini's looks, it's just too round and soft, but the Coupe really takes ugly to the next level. In an attempt to make it look sportier they've got the proportions all out of whack. Don't get me wrong, the Mini is a great runaround and the hot John Cooper Works version gives men the chance to own one without part-exing their masculinity, but the Coupe's forced sportiness belies its practical origins.

This 24hr endurance racer is somehow worse.

Yes, it is worth noting you can essentially have your Mini Coupe as a JCW in different clothing. A wolf in roadkill's clothing, if you will. But we've all seen those photos of Mila Kunis without makeup; still witty and charming underneath, but the unsightly aesthetics are a deal breaker. And so it is with the Coupe. Seating just two, it's competing with some sporty little opposition. To cater to these buyers the Mini had to be made more compact, and it looks like the designers just decided that since the back seats are gone everything in the front can stay the same. Just slide the top half of the rear forward before tidying up later. Then they forgot.

Different colour, same story. Image from carandvannews.co.uk

Fast forward to the day before the design was to be signed off and Mini design director Gert Hildebrand was having breakfast. Halfway through his scrambled eggs he realised they never cleaned up the arse. Uh oh! "But how will we make the front of the roof effortlessly roll into our sportier rear end?" thought Gert, never. And that's when his kid walked in wearing a baseball cap. Backwards. Our friend the designer had a light bulb moment. Perhaps if it had been one of those energy saving ones that take ages to come on he'd have had time to realise he was about to commit a sin to the gift of sight.

The Mini Coupe is based on a backwards baseball cap. How does that sit with you? Make you feel uneasy? A little queasy? Yeah, me too. Now we've come to accept pretentious design language in the motoring world (how many cars are said to be designed to look like they're moving, even when standing still?), but there's something about this that's even more irksome. I believe I've sussed it out. A backwards baseball cap is only worn by teenage boys that aren't quite old enough to realise it's not cool anymore and old men that think they're down with the kidz.

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div class="wp-sc_caption"><img class="size-medium wp-image-60185" alt=""Seriously? What is this thing? No, I won't get in it." Image from benautobahn.com" src="http://www.carthrottle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/2012-mini-coupe-20-655x436.jpg" width="655" height="436" /> "Seriously? What is this thing? No, I won't get in it." Image from benautobahn.com

And herein lies the MINI Coupe's problem: It is designed by some old dude trying too hard. Trying too hard to make something the yoof will want to be seen in. Yes, it's dynamically brilliant, but when we're not hooning we're sat in supermarket car parks comparing rides. This is when the Coupe will haunt its owners. Your friends will be ashamed, the elderly will mock you and the blind will weep with joy at their new found appreciation for the inherent blackness of their world. And while you hang your head in shame, somewhere in deepest darkest Germany Gert Hildebrand will be shouting "cowabunga!" while he railslides with his homies.

Mini Coupe: just say no.